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10 Things That Make Me Cry (disclaimer: It doesn’t take much)

17 November 2011, 21:46

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If there is one thing I’ve noticed differently about myself since having children, aside from the general disability to laugh and sneeze at the same time, it’s that I cry. A LOT.

I mean, yeah, I’ve cried in my lifetime. For many reasons– the lost of that first love, the illness of a pet, the cancellation of Beverly Hills 90210. It’s not as if I haven’t shed a tear in the last 30-something years, BUT, it’s the subject matter of which makes me cry and the frequency in which it happens that’s alarming.

So, here it is. My CryFest list. In no particular order.

1. Tiny Prints. Yes, Tiny Prints, I’m talking about you. You and your fancy holiday card designs. Everything started off innocently enough when I began perusing your holiday card selection. And then, I saw it. The card. I think it was called, “Love and Cheer,” but it might as well have been called, “You Have No Spine,” because I crumbled on the inside like a tower of blocks that was just kicked over by an angry 2 year-old. (But not my 2 year-old. Because mine is perfect.) The sample featured three beautiful girls–sisters, probably–with arms around each other. My three little girls. I saw that one image and I experienced an entire lifetime of visions of my daughters together. That’s all it took. And, just so we’re clear, I’m posting the photo now, so you know exactly why I am no longer allowed to have children.

{TEARS}

2. Faith Hill’s live performance of “A Baby Changes Everything.” And 92% of the rest of her Joy to the World live Christmas concert . I literally watch this non-high def (really?) show on GMC every year. Usually, late at night, alone in the dark. It moves me. Do I really need to say more? Probably not, if I still want friends after they read this. My husband already thinks I’m insane, and perhaps he’s right, but, seriously, if you don’t cry at least once while watching this, then you don’t have a heart. Or hormones. Please view: (and please think of her lyrics and your children. and maybe God.)

 

3. Parenthood. And I mean the show, not my day-schedule. But this is a type of crying that I look forward to. That I HOPE happens, each week. I plop on the couch, popcorn in one hand, sanity gone straight out of the other, and get my box of kleenex ready. Ok, I’m lying. I don’t use Kleenex. That stuff is like $400 a box and I have at least one kid with a runny nose at any given moment. And, truth be told, I kinda pretend that I’m not bawling, even though I so want to be. So, mostly, my eyes swell with tears and my lip quivers and my husband stares at me and repeatedly says each week, “This show really pulls at the heart strings.” And then I slap him. (Because I can’t be the only one crying.)

4. Onions. Well, actually, they don’t. But I think they’re supposed to be on this list somewhere.

5. Grey’s Anatomy. But that’s mostly because none of my doctors look like theirs.

6. CNN. For obvious reasons. And the local news. But I think that’s more because they have a serious issue with putting the camera inside witnesses’ noses for interviews. Not even Heidi Klum’s nasal hairs look good. Seriously… Back. The. Camera. Up.

7. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. No, it’s not because they have fabulous dwellings. Or amazing cars. Or a glass of wine for breakfast. You know what it is? You know what really tears at my heart? Lisa Vanderpump’s entire collection of Christian Louboutins. Every last one of those beautiful little pieces of heaven on feet. And, aside from the obvious shoe envy, it’s also a slap in the face of a reminder that even if I did get my hands on a pair, WHERE THE HECK AM I GOING IN CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN? The supermarket? A playdate? To my local farmers market? OK, maybe not the local farmers market because who am I kidding when I say I can manage that with three kids. Anyway, even if I did wear them to just the damn gas station, I’d instantly be 6 inches taller and would have to do the most unkind squat to reach down to my children for whatever reason. That could lead to an entirely new nightmare- one that involves me and the pavement and possibly a broken coccyx. (I was pre-med. I like to use technical terms.) And then people would laugh at me, most likely, including my children. But you know what? I’d have rockin’ shoes AND I just got to use the word Vanderpump in this paragraph. These might be tears of joy.

8. Pinterest. Because it’s JUST. SO. BEAUTIFUL.

9. Oran “Juice” Jones. “The Rain.” I mean, really. Have you ever heard this song? Unadulterated genius, in all aspects- from the lyrics to the psychotic video to the KILLER end-of-song monologue (PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS). Pay attention- this classic will change your life. I’ve provided it below. You can thank me later. (BEST END-OF-SONG MONOLOGUE EVER.)

 

10. The junior high school yard where we take the girls bike riding, near my parent’s house. This school yard holds a lot of memories for me, because, well, I went to school there. But that’s not what even gets me all teary-eyed. It’s the run-down, desolate tennis courts on the school grounds. Where the girls ride their bikes. Where I played tennis for all of high school. Hours of practices and games and wins and losses and friends and family and teamwork- all on that court. I see the cracked foundation and weathered nets and the girls laughing and smiling as they scutter across and I lose it. For whatever reason, all those mixed moments in my life collided into that one space leaves me as weak as I was when I got up at 2 am at 100 months pregnant last year to score Black Friday deals. Maybe it’s because I look at my children and think that they’ll never know their mom to be that person she was so long ago. They have no inclination of what memories fill my head as I step on those grounds. They have no idea what a kick-ass tennis player their mom was, because all they see when I try to showcase my athletic abilities and do a headstand is a woman who almost broke her neck (true story- just tried this today and was half a second from losing discs 4 through 6). Will they ever idolize me for everything I was as “Jen” AND will be as their mom? No, because they just don’t know “Jen.” Yea, I know.. I’m getting deep. This is my problem with that school yard. This is what it does to me. You know who I blame? Canada.

 

WAIT… There’s an 11th thing that makes me cry:

Faith Hill’s “A Baby Changes Everything.” Why haven’t you watched it yet???? GO HIT PLAY.

5 Comments

  1. Erin November 17, 2011

    I wish there was a huge "love" button here because I'd click it! Not because I love the fact that you apparently cry a lot but because you say all the things that everyone else wants to say in a way better way :-) I may not cry over Oran Juice Jones but I know what you mean... I swear, becoming a mother opens up those tear ducts in ways that are unimaginable.

    You know what gets me? That stupid Pampers commercial that comes on around Christmas time with the babies sleeping in their cribs. There are no words until the end when it says "peace on earth" or something like that. O.M.G. Every year, every time... The waterworks over that commercial are never ending!

  2. admin November 17, 2011

    awww.. love you, erin!!

  3. Lisa November 26, 2011

    The schoolyard gives me chills too... But Lily on the bike with the baby zipped up in her jacket cracks me up.
    PS I finally watched that Faith Hill song... you can stop singing it now

    No more questions

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